| How do you heal a broken heart? |
[10 Aug 2003|06:11pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 depressed |
] |
I haven’t updated in here in ages. It’s not like anything good has happened. It’s just the same old shit with need stress added on each day. I’m simply shocked that I haven’t killed myself yet. The thought is increasing but I’m far to chicken to do such an act.
I’m so alone. I’m so scared. I have no one who cares. Those who do merely use me as a play object and discard me when they see how broken I am. I’m just a used toy removed of all emotion.
My heart is shattered and the remaining fragments are slowly disappearing. My world is gone and what’s left is the darkness.
Everything and everyone is fading away. I’ve never been so alone like this. I’m so scared.
|
|
| You think you know |
[12 Jul 2003|12:10pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
I thought about him today. I thought about all the things I lost. I thought about how I won't be able to hear his stories. I just thought about everything I'll never have.
The only thing on my mind is hatred. Hatred for the man who killed my father, hatred for Susan and the ex-wife and hatred for the society that simple forgets who my father was.
I'm simply tired of watching the world go by and I'm just standing there. I'm just waiting for him to return. I'm waiting on a wish that will never come true. I'm waiting to just see if everything will come crashing down.
Everyone tells me that it's the wish of god that he was taken. Fuck that. Why doesn't god take away all the assholes that hurt people? Why doesn't god protect people? Why didn't god save my father?
Of course, all those assholes simply have no answers. Just pathetic ramblings about this and that. Like, they know anything. They can shove their nonsense up their sorry ass.
They don't understand the pain I feel. They can't understand because they don't see the pain in my heart.
No one understands. No one could possibility.
|
|
| Endless summer dreams |
[01 Jul 2003|10:52pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 dorky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Saiyuki - tian wai you tian |
] |
I wonder if it’s possible for meaningless dreams to hold keys that can unlock the doors to our lost memories. Memories buried underneath the sandbox of childhood. Precious memories of days go by when life was so simple. Nothing was expected of you expect that you immerse yourself in living your life to the fullest.
Summer days were spent playing adventures as you do battle against the darkness that spanned from an overactive imagination. Running through the vast woods, uncovering every of nature’s hidden treasures and pretending that nature was showering gifts of the fae.
Now, I look back and wonder where all the magic has gone. Where has is that tiny sparkle that allow you to see what life can be? Why, can’t life still be mystical and magical? Why, must I be forced to deal with so much when I can’t handle my own life sprawling out of control?
There are just so many questions that are simply going to be unanswered. It’s not, for a lack of, finding the answers. It’s simply just going to be part of accepting who I am.
|
|
| Questions of a pondering soul |
[01 Jul 2003|01:31am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 awake |
] |
I’ve been wondering about my life and how I simply screwed it up. I could be a college graduate right now but instead I simply ruined my first year. I should have returned the next year but I didn’t. I worked stupid jobs that have gotten me nowhere.
I want to go back but what course shall I take. I don’t know what I’m good at or what I want to do with life. So, how can my mom expect me to just pick? I don’t understand her logic when she tells me that I need to make something of my life. I know I have to but I just can’t decide where my talent is and where my foolish dreams rest.
Sometimes, I wonder if I’ll ever find what I was destined to become. I have many talents and interests. I just have doubt if my interests are merely hobbies. If, that’s the case, than where does my future lay?
So many thoughts drift in and out of my mind. There’s no clear answer to any of this. I just wish I had a sign.
|
|
| A brand new start |
[01 Jul 2003|12:54am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 busy |
] |
This is like journal number 8 or something for me. This journal will something special. I can be more open than I ever have simply because very few of my friends will know about it.
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
myouou's journal